Monday, June 22, 2015

When the Truth Hurts

There are times when we fight and Zach will say something that stings. And I react--strongly and with force. From the beginning Zach has always responded with this annoying, but very accurate, statement: Hit pigeons flutter.
hit a nerve

When I start fluttering it means Zach hit a nerve. He must have covered some truth to some level and when I'm not in a place to deal with it, I react poorly.

Being married to Zach for so long now, I actually can tell when I'm "fluttering." I know when I've been hit and I can see myself reacting. This has become very handy as I now know that instead of saying more hurtful things to mask my own feelings, I need to check myself. I need to ask why whatever was said is bothering me so much and what I can do to change that.

Likely, the problem lies more within me than within my marriage. As I've been better able to recognize that through our marriage, I'm able to recognize that in my life. 

During my teaching years, I always got "hit" when parents questioned my teaching practices. There were a lot of times they were out of line, but there was no need to flutter--except that maybe I always knew I could improve and do better and being called into question stung.

You see, things that I know about myself and that I don't really care to change a whole lot--aren't hard to hear. 

"You can't carry a tune to save your life!" Got that right.

"You're always late." Yep, that is true. Feel free to plan about fifteen minutes later for anything scheduled with me--just don't tell me or I'll be even later than that!

"You're awfully opinionated." That I am. I am proud of that and if you don't have many opinions or aren't able to share them, I will have a hard time relating to you. I don't make apologies for that. It's one of the things I love most about myself. 

"Sharlee loves to eat!" Yes, Sharlee does. I love food. I will always love food. 

When I know things about myself and I'm okay with them, I don't feel "hit" when someone makes a comment about them. But if someone hits me where I'm weak, where I am already aware that I need to change, it's a different story. 

"You're awfully judgmental." It comes so naturally at this point, that I often feel it's a pointless battle. But I am still trying. I still have repentant moments about the judgement I pass. 

"You need to exercise some discipline." I pray for this daily. I know I have some discipline, but I've pushed it away for so long that it's taking me time, and lots of failures to rebuild it. 

"You need to have more faith." I have faith--so much faith. I just don't understand faith always. And I'm good at "getting what I want." It scares me. I'm trying though. Please don't discount my faith because I am trying so hard at it.

"You're quite the ungrateful one." I actually am not. I am very grateful for all of my blessings and I say thanks for them a lot of the time. Sometimes I don't understand the situations I'm in or my expectations cause me to feel disappointment, but you couldn't be more wrong and it makes me sad that you think that.

When I hear something and my knee-jerk reaction is: anger, judgement, or a snap defense of myself--I know I've been hit. And when I'm hit, I know I need to take some time and evaluate what's really bothering me about what was said. I ask myself the following questions:

1. Where is the truth in what was said?

2. What small change am I capable of making today to start changing that truth?

When I do those things, I am able to feel peace. I don't tackle the whole idea of getting rid of judgement, instead I make sure to try to do something kind for someone or pray for an enemy--something small, but something that I can do at that moment to help me turn a new leaf. And just like that, anger dispels, hurts are forgotten, and peace is able to fill my heart.

Do you ever "flutter?"

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