Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Confessions of Confident Women: Faith in the Lord

When people pray for a miracle--big or small-- and they get it, you often hear, "God is good." And this is something that at times encourages me. Yes, God is good! Maybe He will give me what I've been praying for, too. It helps restore faith and hope at times. But there are other times that the sentiment "God is good' confuses me. Times when people are praying for a miracle--big or small-and they don't get it. Does that mean God isn't good? What does it mean? I honestly don't have this all figured out, but  I felt writing about it might help me understand.

I've never been one to  understand those who question God when horrible things happen. Those who don't believe are never happier to "prove" God's lack of existence than when something tragic happens. I've never understood that. However, when someone puts a tag line at the end of a blessing like, "God is good," it makes it hard for me to understand His true role in my life. His role in the good and the bad in the things that affect me personally. At times can impair the way that I pray--perhaps I'm a little less confident and a little less faithful at times.

When I first started experiencing symptoms of pregnancy loss--I prayed with all of my heart that it was just one of those fluke things. I hoped my body was just responding in a strange  way and that it would just be a "little scare." Tons of women have those, I could be like them. Or I couldn't. I couldn't control the outcome and so I prayed. And I didn't get my way.  I lost that baby.  God was still so good. He helped me through that time and brought me peace. He strengthened my marriage and my desire for motherhood. He continues to see me through those moments when I still ache for that loss. When I still wonder "What if?" He does this because whether or not I get what I want, He is still so good. 

And it's been that way with every loss--big or small. The loss of a grandparent, broken friendships and family relationships, financial struggles, baby sleep struggles, scary health problems, and more. Through the struggle we pray and we look for the answer, but after all is said and done, we see that the answer was there all along. We see the way He helped us, even if it wasn't the way we wanted. Because God really is so good. 

Right now I am looking for opportunities to work from home so that I can continue to be home with my daughter. We felt it was the right decision for me to leave teaching (after much prayer and pondering) and we're trying to find a way to continue to pay our bills while I stay home. We have been praying...hard. I know that this doesn't mean I'll get my way. Not because God's not good, but because He is so good. He doesn't operate under my will, He operates under His. He has a plan for me and my family. Through trials and tragedy, that plan is a plan of happiness--this much I do know. His answer might be "No," "Hold on a while longer, be patient," "Yes!," or something else entirely. I do not know how He will handle this situation with our family, but I do know that He will not abandon us and that whatever lies in store, He will help us figure it out and bring peace to our hearts. I know that. 

 But I want to be home. I long to be home. I am willing to do whatever it takes. We have made and continue to make sacrifices. We have run through the many options. We continue to pray. But sometimes I feel like my prayers aren't prayers of faith. I am short-sighted and I see the small picture. I see what I want right now. I'm not sure if that God sees what I see and so when I pray, sometimes I am afraid of not "getting my way" and my faith is a bit less steady. 

A friend of mine recently referred me to this talk by Jeffery R. Holland: Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence. She said it was a favorite of hers and it is quickly becoming a favorite of mine. I've read it many times over the past few weeks since she first sent it to me and I have let it sit on my heart and I have let it into my prayers. Holland encourages us to, "Trust in that eternal truth. If God has told you something is right, if something is indeed true for you, he will provide the way for you to accomplish it." 

I believe that something has been revealed to me and my family. I am working as I strengthen my confidence to believe that He has a plan for my family and we will see that we are in the right place and He will help us find a way to remain here. 

How do you strengthen your faith or confidence in the Lord? 

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