Wednesday, March 11, 2015

What if My Daughter Reads This?

There are times when I write a post and I know that JaiseAnn might read it someday. I have to pause and think about publishing. Whether I'm sharing her horrible sleep patterns (evidence a, b, and c), or sharing honestly about the adjustment to marriage after having a baby, or maybe sharing about my body after a baby--I always wonder, what if JaiseAnn reads this. What will she think? How will it make her feel?

kids of mommy bloggers

One of the benefits of scheduling my posts in advance, means that I have over 30 posts in drafts right now. Before I ever publish them, I look them over, and tweak them. If there was something that was bothering me I usually am a little over the worst and I can approach the situation a little more clearly. I always want to be honest, though. I never want to sugar coat the adjustments motherhood and parenthood have required of me and us, but I never want to just spill my guts about the horrible day or week we've had. 

I find it a fine balance. I want everything I do--whether or not it's published on my blog--to communicate to JaiseAnn that I love her more than I ever thought possible. I want her to know that I enjoy her and that I look forward to each day with her. I want her to know that motherhood is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am so in love with being JaiseAnn's mom that sometimes I have to pinch myself. Am I really taking JaiseAnn to the grocery store right now in the middle of the day? Are we really playing with bubbles on the living room floor together in our pajamas? How can this be my life? This motherhood gig is pretty awesome.

Yet, I hope that JaiseAnn will desire to follow this path. I hope that she will want and plan to become a wife and a mother some day. And when that day comes I know that she will have hard moments--sometimes the dream becomes a bit of a nightmare. My biggest desire is to help her through those moments. I hope to be present and help her out--help her with meals, and watching the baby so she can sleep or go on a date, and help her remember who she was before she felt this tired. But I also want her to have my words. To know that I traveled this road before and we got through it. I want her to see my reflections--the way that I found the good in the struggle and in the hard times. I want her to know she's not alone. I want her to know that it's so worth it.

What if JaiseAnn reads these posts someday? I honestly hope that she does. I hope that she sees these posts as honest but inspiring. I hope she feels that I honored her privacy and didn't share more than I should, but that I shared my heart. I hope she feels my love in every word--even the words portraying the hard moments. I hope that she finds strength in them and eventually a bit of community in them as she finds herself struggling to figure life out. 

Hi, JaiseAnn. If you're reading--just in case you didn't already know--I love you! And maybe you should bring me some ice cream as repayment for those rough days (and especially nights). 

Do you ever wonder about your kids reading your blog? Has this affected what you post?

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