Monday, September 8, 2014

Everything to Lose

When did I become a fearful person?

When I was young and single I had a bucket list packed full of thrill seeking adventures: bungee jumping, sky diving, and zip lining. I frequently went white water rafting with a group of friends and I was always the first to "ride the bull." In fact, I was known for it. If there was a fun or crazy rapid ahead, our guide would say, "Sharlee, you're going to want to be front and center for this one!"

I've never considered myself fearless. I've always been a little cautious, but I used to enjoy the thrill of forgetting caution for just a few seconds.

(Two days after our engagement!!!) We had just spent the day on the lake and we'd gone tubing. I ,of course, freaked out while TUBING for crying out loud. I was on the edge of my seat the entire time Zach was on the tube, too.
 Today, though, I would almost say you could call me fearful.

This didn't happen overnight. I noticed the transition happening when I first met Zach. The summer before we got married, we went to an amusement park with friends. I was actually afraid of the roller coasters. Tearfully afraid. I was afraid something could happen to me or happen to Zach. Although unusual for me I dismissed my behavior with thoughts of, "You're in love and things are a little new to you." or "You haven't been on a roller coaster for a long time, maybe this just happens to people as they get older."

Zip lining with Zach
But the fears just kept coming, heaping themselves on top of one another. After we got married I started making Zach text me every day when he made it to work, just so that I'd know he was safe. I would say prayers from the time he left the house until I got that text. I worried when we weren't together and I worried even when we were.

Now that I have a daughter, I've exeperienced even greater fears and worries. I will be the mom who follows her school bus home. I will be the mom who wants to chaperone every dance and field trip just in case. I can already feel it.

I'm a fearful person.

All I know is that the more my heart holds, the more afraid I am of losing it. The more I gain, the more I have to lose.

 I don't want to be a fearful person. I don't want my daughter to know me as that. I also don't know how to combat these fears

Have you ever experienced something like this? How do you deal with worry/fears?

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