Friday, July 18, 2014

My Faith is Fragile {Part 1}

This post was originally written May 22, 2013--Right after finding out that I was pregnant with JaiseAnn. I never published it. This is part 1 of a two part series on the fragility of my faith. I hope you'll follow along and even share your trials/experiences.

"Confidence in the Lord's promises"

Zach gave me a blessing in tonight during an unsettling time and that's the phrase that I have held onto.

What promises? What am I supposed to have confidence in?

Men are that they might have joy?

The peaceful feeling that I had when I first found out I was pregnant?

The promises made to me in my Patriarchal blessing?

I don't know which promises and I've decided it doesn't matter.

Allow me to backtrack.

You've probably caught on that I am pregnant. I  just saw the positive test about 9 days ago...a very faint positive. Followed by a very faint positive. Followed by a very faint positive. Followed by a "PREGNANT" on a digital test.

I hadn't been tracking things very well so I estimated a few dates and called the office. They said they could see me and give me a due date via ultrasound.

At first I was so excited. It was the most quick and painless scheduling I've EVER had for anything like this and I got off the phone and said to Zach, "We get to see our baby!" I was so excited.

And then the nerves set in. What if there is no baby? What if there's no heartbeat? What if something is wrong? (After a pregnancy loss, it's hard to be optimistic about these things, at least for me).

We got there and got situated. The ultrasound tech started the ultrasound and immediately things got quiet. She starts asking me those questions. Prodding me to find out how much of anything she should be seeing.

As bravely as I can, I say, "You don't see anything, do you?"

She reminds me that it could be too early.

We keep going and she finally finds a sac. I take a deep breath. Then she says, "I don't see a yolk sac. Typically we'd see the sac, the yolk sac, and the fetal pole. I don't see those last two things."

I lay there, still. Tears seep out of the corners of my eyes and wet the paper I'm laying on. I keep wishing, praying, and holding onto the slightest bit of hope and preparing myself for the words I desperately don't want to hear.

"I may see a tiny yolk sac."

More minutes pass.

"I definitely see a yolk sac, but no fetal pole. It could be too early. You're only measuring at 5 weeks 5 days."

This is when my wonderful husband takes over and starts asking questions and talking to her while I take a moment to breathe and compile my thoughts. A little more hope.

Then she points out an "anamoly" with my insides. Something that's a little different than the norm.  She says it may have an increased rate of miscarriage, but we don't know for sure how major it is (if at all).

We decide that I will return in exactly one week and many of our questions will be answered. If the baby is progressing, then we know that the dates provided by the ultrasound are accurate and that I really was out in left field for the month of April. If the baby is not progressing, well...then, you know.

I know how real this possibility is. I was there almost exactly one year ago. And now I have not 1 but 2 pretty substantial worries. A). Is the baby okay and progressing? B). If so, will this "anamoly" prevent me from carrying to full term?

 I got in the car and cried. I cried intermittently throughout the day. I had to return to work and on my way there in the car, I said to myself, "You really have no control over this, Sharlee. If you're going to have this baby, you will have this baby. If not, you won't. You can't do anything about it." And as much as I believe that...and I DO. I still struggle sometimes. I still want to think I can plan. I can prevent. I forget that I am not the one in control.

I came home and Zach curled up with me and we talked. I told him how I was trying to approach this situation. How I planned to make it through the next seven days of waiting for more news. He offered me a blessing I had mentioned a few days prior (when I couldn't calm down worrying something would go wrong with this pregnancy).

I said yes and he gave me a very good blessing. It wasn't long and lengthy. It wasn't particularly wordy. But that line, "Confidence in the Lord's promises" stood out to me and I made a mental note to hold onto that with all of my heart.
Today,  I'm believing.

I'm not believing I'll have this baby--though I so so badly want to, I'm believing in someone higher than me with a greater purpose that I can lean on. That will guide me through this whatever it may be.

I am believing that it is more than okay to hope. To hope that there is a life growing right this very minute as I speak. It's okay to keep pinning things onto my secret pin board and to keep adding to my Amazon wishlist that I've set to private until I announce the pregnancy. I am holding onto the best hope that I will have this baby.

I am believing that no matter what, though, I will get through this. That I will, once again, learn something from this, and that I will be a better person for it. I believe that the Lord has a plan for me. He loves me. He will not leave me alone.

Ultimately, the Lord has promised me some great things. I don't know what kind of promise He will keep through this experience, but I believe those words I heard tonight with that blessing with all of my heart.  I don't know what will happen., but I am going to learn something that I need to learn. I am going to learn to be confident in His promises.

I believe.

"He is always with me, though I do not see Him there. And because He loves me dearly, I am in His watchful care."

-If the Savior Stood Beside Me

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